All you "summer is better than winter" people get outside and enjoy your hellscape.
I don’t think the U.S. can go to war with Iran and Los Angeles at the same time.
In 2023, whites were responsible for 8,842 homicides in the U.S.. Undocumented Immigrants were responsible for 29. Americans are continuously lied to, but only MAGAts aren't smart enough to know any different.
tRUMP: Iran made a very big mistake!
Joe Smith: Did they elect you as president too?
I live in constant fear of accidentally mentioning something only I know about you because I've stalked you on the internet.
Customer: Can I take this medicine with diarrhea?
Pharmacist: Yeah, but it tastes better with water.
What caused the invention of archery?
"I really want to stab that guy but he's way over there".
He said he wanted a woman that could take his breath away.
So I farted.
Now he won't speak to me.
If you miss the way things used to be, tax a millionaire, join a union, and buy local.
Don't be sad on weekends.
Cry during business hours and get paid for your depression.
My neighbor couldn't afford his water bill, so I got him a get well soon card.
The despair you feel when important documents you held in your hands three days ago cannot seem to be found anywhere in the known universe.
The National Weather Service has just published instructions on how to bake lasagna in your mailbox.
If you have a truck with balls hanging from it, and your truck wasn't born with balls, and you put the balls on it via an elective process, you have a TRANS truck.
I went for a run but came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot I'm out of shape and can't run for more than 2 minutes.
It will really be a smartphone the day I yell, "Where's my phone?!" and it yells back, "Down here in the couch cushions!"
Am I supposed to pray over leftovers?
Lord it's me again, with the spaghetti from yesterday.
Sadly I saw my neighbor being carried out in a body bag this morning.
I said to my wife "Aww, the old gentleman across the road has died."
My wife said "Who, Ray?"
I said "I don't think cheering is appropriate."
What happens when you try to cook a joke?
You choke on the smoke of the joke.
Today I rewrote hiistory.
History.
What is a zebra?
25 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
(And a double Z bra would be a ZZ Top.)
Sky diving...
Instructor: Pull your chute!
Me: My shoe?
Instructor: Your parachute!
Me: My pair of shoes?
Coroner: Where's his shoes?
Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven't heard from him since.
I finally understand why I'm called a grown up.
I groan every time I get up.
1970s creepy guys van = 2025 starter home.
Just because you're going 10MPH over the speed limit doesn't mean you can drive in the left lane.
Some of us are trying to break the law for real.
It's so hot outside, when I opened my front door, I thought I was checking on my brownies.
What do we want?!
Racecar sounds!
When do we want them?
nnnnnnNNNNNNOOOOOoooowwwwwwwwwww
All it took for republicans to put their Islamophobia on full display was one Muslim winning a mayoral primary.
Despite getting trounced in the primary, Andrew Cuomo will stay in the race for NYC mayor as an independent.
Well, if there’s one thing we know about Andrew Cuomo is that he does not respect the word “no”.
I went to the doctor because I kept waking up with scratches all over my body. He couldn't find anything wrong with me. Turns out it was from Dorito crumbs in my bed.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car.
No, I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the Courthouse.
I walked in and said to my wife, "I've been so busy I don't know whether I'm coming or going."
She said, "By the look on your face you're going. When you're coming you look like a fucking stroke victim trying to whistle."
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
Posts
